I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
