He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
