I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
