i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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