You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
