Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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