If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
