I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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