That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
