ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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