It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
