Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize