Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
