You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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