Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
