so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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