k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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