Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
