I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
