I want to have your abortion
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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