I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
