I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
