I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
