My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
