She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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