In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
