apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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