I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
