1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
