idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
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Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
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Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants