Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
23 Concerns People Have When They’re About To Have Sex With Someone New
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..