No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week