Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
