I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
