too bad you live with your parents still
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
