i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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