I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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