Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
