Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize