Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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