I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
