Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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