I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
