I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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