yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
