good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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