White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
