watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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