I hope my margaritas pass through security.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
