Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The maid of honor just puked.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
