I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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