All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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