My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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