Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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